What should i do? Please read? :(?

I didn't relise how bad of a life I've had. When I was little I would come home to bad fights and my mom would end getting really hurt and i would help her. She turned so hateful to me. She had breast cancer and would drink every night. She made me won't to kill myself. I've tryed 3 times and it hasn't worked. I've cut myself before but I won't do that again because that was stupid. My brother is 17 and I'm 12 and when I was 8 he raped me over 10 times. I didn't say no because I didnt know what was happening. But I didn't say yes. Is that still rape? And he beats me. He would do it in front of my mom and she wouldnt care. She told me to go to hell. I wonted her dead. Well on valentines day she died from cancer. I didn't care then but now I miss her like crazy. I feel like everything that happend was my fault. Now I get in alot of trouble just because I don't care anymore. I am in love and I know I'm in love because I will do anything for him. And I regret stuff Ive done with him because im not respecting myself anymore. There so many thoughts in my head. Nobody knows anyof this. Everybody at school think I'm just a happy little girl. But inside I just wanna fight Everyone because I'm just angery with the world. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't forget the past. I don't eat right. I can't live a normal life like other 12 year olds. What should I do? Should I tell someone I was raped? But I don't think they will believe me. I'm going crazy. Please help! :(